Passing things on...

Climbing in the pool for the first time


Christian's first swim- he loved it!

I had one of those moments with Christian yesterday...where the stakes were high, I was hoping, wishing, crossing my fingers that he'd love something I loved so much as a child, and adult- swimming. It started off yesterday afternoon- I let him play with a bucket of water on the balcony in his swim trunks. He LOVED it. Our neighbor got just a little bit of an overflow of the water the dribbled down below after our play time. This was just silly though. I mean we have a pool less than 50 yards from our apartment. It was time for a swim!


Floating

So when Jason was done working for the day, we gathered our things and headed over to the pool...all the while rushes of memories of years and years of swimming came back. Being fortunate enough to have been introduced to swimming at such a young age myself- enjoying summer after summer of swimming lessons, and of course licorice at the park's little concession stand afterwards. Begging, begging to go swimming at the neighbor's house growing up. Swim team with West High. Evenings in the pool with my Dad the year before I moved to Scotland- floating and talking on the rafts. Staring at the pool for hours on end while lifeguarding. Teaching lessons to babies Christian's age, singing songs at age 19 that I felt like a bit of a moron singing with the "Mommy and Me" class- but that the babies loved- "The washing machine, is making me clean, the washing machine is Spiiiiiiining." Now I have my OWN baby that I get to introduce to the water. Will he be a clinger? Was what I wondered. One of the babies that holds so tightly to your neck you can't even really see their face. And you try peel just one arm from around your neck so you can help the other kids and the wailing begins. Oh, please don't be that kind.


We even made some friends at the pool. They were just about as excited as we were for Christian's first swim!

I am proud and very thankful to announce...he is not that kind! He loved it! He walked right down the pool stairs, clapping- and into Daddy's safe arms to enjoy a much-needed cool down, for the first time! I am so thankful for the pool we can see from our apartment, I have a feeling there will be many hours spent out there this summer.


This swimming is wearing me out!


Walking home from the pool

Perspective

Perspective usually dawns on me in the most unusual ways. My purse has become a bit of a graham cracker mess. This past week it's gotten so bad that it seems anything I pull out has crumbs on it. Earlier this week I was with a friend who has 3 daughters who aren't babies anymore. I rummaged through my purse to get a paper and pen to write something down and made a complaint about the crumbs everywhere. My friend looked at me with a look that said, "I remember those days." It's true. It's kind of sweet that my purse is a mess. A mess of baby things. Someday I'll be reaching in my purse to find my cell phone to call my son instead of graham crackers to give him. I'm glad he's right here, right now. I'm glad I have the responsibility of feeding him and bathing him and strapping him in his car seat. Of laughing with him and cheering for him and having his first ice cream cone with him.

I was humbled and blown away in sadness for this family as I heard about their horrific experience. Just as we moved home from Scotland and got to show off our precious son, they were driving around in Colorado just a week before they were to leave for the mission field with their 18 month old son, got into a car accident and their son was killed. There is so little I can say about this. I just...cannot. Imagine.


I have this book What to Expect the Toddler Years. I've been given this and the other sequence of these books and they have been helpful. In the back of What to Expect the Toddler Years there's a whole portion on safety. I needed to refresh my memory on infant cpr and the Heimlich maneuver and as I read through the whole safety section I just grew more and more thankful for everything that has not happened to Christian. There are accidents, lots of them, most of which have not happened. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for your protection and your perspective.

Ever been invited to a private party?

I felt that way last night. As if we'd been invited into a community- the door opened wide, again, to join in with this group of friends. We met up with the Karlsons and followed them to our Sunday school class's movie night. We went through 2 security gates. Something about following the Karlsons in without having to enter the security code- symbolic of what God's doing. I had no idea what a treat I was in for! We drove about 15 minutes and were surrounded by beautiful hills and one of the most gorgeous houses I've EVER seen. The parents of some people in our class hosted an outdoor movie night. All the kids (and there were, I'd guess, 20 kids?!) wore their pjs, cuddled up on sleeping bags, and we watched The Bee Movie while drinking hot cocoa and eating popcorn. There was even a fire pit with much smore-making happening.


The movie is about to begin!

I suppose what I can't get over is how quickly I can see this group of people becoming "community." This is a gift. Seriously. Jason and I were prepared to work hard to make new community here in Fresno. Make friends here and there, start inviting them over for dinners- you know, create community. We were told early on- a group of friends that we're looking for- to share life with, etc...might be something we'd need to create. Cause let's admit it, you can't get much more blessed than moving overseas with a group of people and doing life with them.


Christian's up front in the pale blue pajamas. It was cute- Sara's sons Ben and Sam had on sock monkey pajamas and Christian had on monkey pjs too!

I'm glad I was wrong. This week I have seen the same people in this SUnday school class 4 times, some of them! They already have a thriving community, and after walking through (or wait, am I still walking through?) a very tiring season- how refreshing it is to sit amongst people and have the feeling they're prepared to accept you just as you are. Oh my gosh. Thank you LORD.


Taken with the phone- but you get the idea right? A fire pit with smores being made

Just some things regarding Christian and his room!

I could've sworn when I gave him his breakfast this morning he said, "Ta." For anyone reading this in Scotland, you'll be proud to see that he's keeping his Scottish roots!


Also, I've been obsessed the past few days with the idea slowly transitioning his room from the sage green and red gingham it is now to a vintage brown and red cowboys and indians theme. When I told Jason last night he said, "What's sage green in there?" Good question. Not too much- ha! I think the red gingham could possibly mix with the cowboys and indians somewhat. Anyone know of a good resource for a red or brown based vintage looking cowboys and indians bedroom theme? The little bit that I've seen online is- well, cow print and a LOT of southwestern which I'm not going for.

My favorite smell

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My favorite smell. It's the breakfast I have every single day. And it smells up the apartment wonderfully first thing in the morning. They have to be the old fashioned oats, and made on the stove top. It takes an extra 10 minutes, but it is soooo worth it.

Nicole, the midwife who delivered Christian and also spent 10 hours with me in the same room during labor. This was taken by me about 12 hours after he was born.

It is a strange feeling being rushed down a hallway in a bed. Your sense of direction is totally off because you're looking at the ceiling. All you can do is trust the people whose hands you're in. I still couldn't even feel from my waist down. Not that I could have done anything about any of this drama in the first place...just a weird feeling to be clueless and powerless. One of the most painful things happened during this rush down the hallway- the cords to my two hand ivs got tangled by whoever was wheeling the poles they were on. I feel like this should be taught in the "hospital auxiliary 101" class. The needles taped to my hands felt like they were being ripped out and my second bold moment of the entire day happened when I said something about it.

First picture of Christian, taken with Daddy while I was in theater by a midwife

I was rolled into a room that felt very official. And clean. And empty. And very, very bright. I asked if Jason could come in with me, but he could not. I started to realize the severity of whatever was going on.


This is pretty much exactly what theater looked like

Added to the chaos of the whole thing, they did a shift change in the middle of all this. They must've done it quickly. I couldn't find the midwife that delivered Christian anywhere, and all the faces were new. New was good, because they didn't seem all freaked out like the others. They seemed fresh, and nice, and really, really friendly. I couldn't believe how friendly they all were. I had one woman on my left whose job I think was to keep me talking, and the antethesis sitting by my right side who was there to make sure I didn't feel a thing. And probably 6-7 people below doing a (minor?) surgery.


Still in the hospital

They hoisted me from one bed to another. They did it very smoothly- and I could tell they had a method. "1, 2, 3...go." I was all of a sudden on another bed. Legs way up in the air, covered in a blanket. I started shivering, uncontrollably. Like, really really shaking. I think this is common for women who just had a baby but I didn't realize that and felt really embarrassed. They seemed surprised, too- at the shaking. They aired up this amazing blanket with warm air which was nice because it was so huge I couldn't see anything that was going on below.


Mom and Rod getting a good look at Mr. This was 18 hours after he was born (easy to tell, because the hospital only had certain visiting hours)

So they were sewing me up. Sewing my cervix up. My cervix tore- badly. Which is not what normally tears. Normally it's the exit point that tears (which also tore on me of course). Very rarely does the cervix tear- an estimated 1% from the research I've been able to gather. But because it's so much of a working muscle during labor and full of blood, when it does tear, it's a life or death scenario, because it just pours out blood. It's literally worse than a hemorrhage. If they hadn't sewn me up quickly, I wouldn't have made it. I would have bled, and bled, and bled. I didn't realize any of these details until a month down the road talking to a few doctors in training from our church (Julie and Claire). Which I think is fortunate. The complete fuzziness and dizziness I had every time I stood up I figured was a "just had a baby" symptom. Even trying to have conversation with people with the complete lack of blood going through my system make me feel like a real space cadet.


It makes me sad that I'm not able to find any of the swollen, awful pictures of myself after Christian was born. Seriously. I have never seen myself looking like that so I wanted to abolish them altogether. But now I'm a little sad about that. Here I am on our first outing as a family to our favorite coffee shop down the street.

I had an iv in each hand and one in my foot. I know one was for fluids, another was on standby for a blood transfusion that could've been needed any moment, but I'm puzzled over what the 3rd was for. I also still had the epidural in my back. Not sure what the 4th one was for. I was in that "theater" room for a very long time. They kept asking me if I had anything to say to Jason. What was I going to say, I wondered. I kept saying, "um, that's ok" I wish now I would've at least sent him a message saying, "I'm doing great. I still can't feel a thing." Because honestly, I didn't feel scared. At the moment I had no clue what was going on. They kept telling me, but it wasn't connecting. And they all seemed calm at this point, so I wasn't stressed. I just wanted so badly to see Christian. It didn't feel right that I wasn't getting to hold the baby I worked so hard carrying and laboring.


Oh! And at one point they had to take off my toenail polish, I think to check my coloring? I'm not positive on why. But they couldn't find any fingernail polish remover and tried using alcohol. Problem being, I'd painted a coat of bright red polish every day that week thinking it could be labor day! Someone asked what brand it was. "It's avon" I answered. At the time I knew the color and everything. They were all planning on going to get a bottle of that long-lasting stuff!

Soon, very soon, I'd be transferred out and be able to see Christian, and Jason...

There's still more to share, but I must say, this is so great being able to write this story. From the beginning I never told the real story. The most I'd share is, "I lost a lot of blood." It's just, I had this stereotype in my head of those women who go on, and on, and on about their labor stories. Plus, the few times I did start to share I could see the other person's eyes glazing over or them losing interest. "But wow, look at your son!" they'd say. I mean, what are people supposed to say? "Glad you're still here!"? I started to feel really lonely in my story a few months after Christian's birth. God has ministered to my loneliness though. Just the realization that He is the constant- He was in that room that no one else was allowed in, made me feel so close to Him. It's good for me to write it. Healing to get it out. Great to remember, and even greater to be able to thank God 16 months later in a more real way for his power in those dangerous moments.

What a full weekend!

Between Saturday morning and Tuesday afternoon, a lot of activity has been going on over here!

I woke up bright and early to new couches on Saturday. Oh! I don't remember being that excited about coming into the living room since Christmas as a child! They arrived around 1am on Saturday morning, from my Dad...delivered by the Mills parents. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! They are gorgeous, and chocolate brown, and leather. I don't know if I'll be able to not become a couch potato.

We then left for Yosemite. A place where the Mills have a lot of family memories. It was sweet to be invited into how much they've all actually shared there...and of course to see Jason so excited to share some of his childhood favorites with his son.

Grandma Mills and Christian cuddling before we took off for Yosemite- with Monkey of course


Christian and his first walking stick


Very much enjoying his day in nature


Shameless photography of this boy's first trip to Yosemite


The two woodsmen


Christian's 16-Month bench shot

Sunday Jason and I went to a new Sunday school class- "Married Couples for Christ." We were really blown away by this class. We were the very last ones to leave, having had good conversation with at least 4 different couples. God is really blessing our efforts to make friends. We thought it would be so much harder.

Sunday afternoon we had some friends over who will soon go back to their home in Kansas- Gayla and her daughter Ashley. What a good time it was with them.

Jason and I with Gayla and her daughter (the youngest of 3 daughters they have), Ashley


Just a silly picture of our little family. Christian was sleeping so we had to pretend with a picture

Monday the Mills parents took Christian and I shopping to several different stores- Dad Mills wanted to bless me with a window treatment for the kitchen and Christian and I both went home happy- he with a brand new slide and swing, me with a beautiful window treatment.

Grandma Mills & Christian with a toy that he's so much more excited about than he looks

Tuesday- today. I didn't fall asleep until 3am last night (morning), but thanks to Starbucks was able to have some energy for a much-anticipated play group with some women from my church. Another really good time!

Christian playing in the water with his new friend Ben, at the play group. We think they were fluffing their curls

The labor story will resume very soon- I'm off to rearrange the furniture in our living room.

Our first Fresno (well actually Clovis) Friends!

Tonight we had a lovely dinner at our new friends, the Karlson's house. What fun!



You can imagine the excitement when I got an email the other day from my first Fresno friend:

"I know it's last minute, but would you and your family like to come over for dinner tomorrow night?"

Yes! We will be there! We will be there with bells on!


The Karlson family: Sara, Sam, Eric, Ben

It is so exciting, the starting of friendships with people you can tell God placed right in your path.


Christian loved playing with Sam, Ben and of course all their cool boy toys

And this woman in particular. I have been impressed at how she's reached out to me. And she's done a lot of reaching out- Christian's been sick and I haven't been able to come to anything she's invited me to for a few weeks. I was worried I might have lost my chance!

The space this woman has in her life is attractive. The attractive thing is that I know she probably has to work for it, because she has a LOT going on. She made space for me though, the "new girl" and I'm still grinning after our dinner with them. Thank you Karlsons!

The labor story is (finally) back...

I think I keep putting this off because I haven't actually dealt with the plethora of emotions that went on the next 24 hours after this. But I'm sitting here with 20oz (in a mason jar) of pink lemonade- I've got everything I need to at least do one more entry - I want to remember this event!

The epidural was...incredible. I will get one again, and again- for however many kids we have. There's no part of me that wants to feel the entire thing and I'm ok with that. I just hope it "takes" quicker next time.

The next portion of labor was my favorite. Nicole (our midwife) left the room for a minute and came back putting on plastic gloves and a plastic apron. It was just me, her, and Jason in the room. I really liked this. No men except for Jason which was kinda nice. Well, except for that saint of an antethesis (which is what they call it in the UK,I have no idea how to spell the word for which they call it here). Then another lady came in- with a little bed! I could tell it was getting close. I started to smile for the first time all day it felt. The lady that brought the bed in I know was praying. She was quiet, and ended up going to the church we went to in Glasgow. I know she was praying, because a big turn of events happened and prayer would be needed.

I began to push, and push, and push. I couldn't feel myself pushing but it sure was empowering- Nicole and Jason were cheering and timing and the whole thing felt exciting and intense. It was working- I was using muscles I couldn't even feel. How does THAT work? I really didn't care- it was working. I could see it on their faces. I pushed for an hour- and as hard as I was working, we weren't getting far enough for where Christian was in the birth canal. A female doctor came in with the tools to give me an episiotomy. I was very clear on my birth plan that I didn't want one unless absolutely necessary. So when she came in, a burst of assertiveness came out of no where and I put my foot down. Well, sort of: "Um, what all does that involve? And do I HAVE to have one?" She was very friendly - she came and sat down beside me and explained everything, including that she'd rather not have to do one either. She ended her spiel with, "So show me what you've got! Prove to me that you DON'T need one." Ok lady (whatever your name is), you got it. So I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed...

Isn't SHE cute? Every doctor and midwife there was cute! She had come in to see me in the "ICU" of labor and delivery the day after I'd delivered to see how I was doing- ON HER DAY OFF. Can you believe that? It was so good seeing her- I feel like I'll always be indebted to all the amazing staff at Queen Mum's. That's my foot on the right. = )

You'd talk her out of doing an episiotomy after seeing these tools right?!

And then, out of no where (no one said, "here he comes!")...

Christian entered into the world, in Glasgow, in Queen Mum's Hospital, in a stark ugly room, on a Sunday, there he WAS- at 6.50pm. He seemed so...BIG! I know newborns are tiny, but honestly...weighing in at 9lbs and 21inches long, he was a big one. He was laid on my chest straight from inside me and he didn't even cry (at first). I felt so- unequipped. Along with all the excitement and "I did it!" came- "He's mine?" I couldn't believe he was mine. I was in love. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I memorized every square inch of his little self.

Here he is- 15 minutes old. No clothes yet, wrapped in his very first blanket. A midwife took this picture while Jason held him. Already he had a little man face. I was in LOVE.


That precious moment lasted seriously about...20 seconds. I glanced up at the midwife and saw the sheer look of terror on her face. She didn't hide it well. She was making quick demands at the 6 or 7 people who seemed to pour in from both sides of the room. One midwife snapped in the friendliest voice she could muster up- "Daddy- take the baby now please" I couldn't see Jason- he was shoved out by the gazillion doctors, midwifes, nurses...whoever it was who has just joined what I thought was the welcoming committee (not really, but I was so drugged up at this point I just thought, "hey! More people- great!"). I started to get a little frantic though when they all seemed frantic. I saw those same 6 people all down by where Christian came out (I don't know how else to make it more polite) and making quick judgement calls,
"We need more light."
"I can't see."
"I don't KNOW what's causing it."
"Get theater ready"
"Where is it coming from?"

Apparently, I was losing a LOT of blood. Like, 2 liters of blood. More than half the blood in my body. And I. had. no. clue. They had no clue why.

I started to freak out just a little at this point- where was my husband? And where was the baby I only got a 20 second glimpse of?

6 Years Ago...

I woke up to this a few days ago

...this month, Jason and I started dating (we're married now, of course!). It felt unreal to me at the time. Dating and choosing completely wrong guys had really been a struggle for me in the past- so I'd given up. Surrendered rather, to the fact that it would have to be God to put that in place. God took me to a place of complete surrender before blessing me with Jason. I knew in praying for a husband that whoever it was would be a complete gift from God. Not someone I'd seek out and go, "Ok, that's the one." Jason is that. A gift. A gift of God's grace.

We knew we were interested in each other right away, but had a really akward conversation on the beach. One that had the potential to be romantic, only we were determined to keep our minds on NieuCommunities, so the moment our frisbee throwing stopped and we found ourselves sitting on the beach together at sunset, we both jumped up and said something like, "umm...yeah, maybe it's time to go home..." My heart fluttered with excitement around Jason, and I hoped, HOPED he was the one. I wondered why on earth this guy was placed in my path though during my NieuCommunities year. We were both trying to focus on ministry.

It came by surprise when a few months later and after many times "hanging out" (dates, but we wouldn't call them that), Jason asked if I'd meet him by our favorite little cafe by the beach. We sat at a mosaic covered table and Jason took my hand from across the table (our first physical contact except for innocent hugs) and said something like, "you know, I've prayed and gone to God about this over and over...and I feel like God has put us in each other's paths for a reason right now. I want to stop fighting this and, I really like you. I really, really like you." I, in utter shock and confusion came up with the whopping ridiculous answer of, "Errrr...ummm...oh wow, ummmm...geee (God! Didn't you say "no relationship" to both of us?!)...I'll need to think about that and get back to you." GET BACK TO YOU?! It is a miracle Jason stuck around. Because for a week, I thought about it. And prayed. And feared that I'd be betraying my commitment to God. But I somehow, through a grin that just would not leave my face realized, this just could be God's answer to my crying out to him for a relationship. I hoped it was. I decided to go for it and hope I wasn't making a foolish decision.

God's plan is so huge. We had a good (hard) start to our relationship with 6 mentors staring down on our relationship- encouraging, and some discouraging our relationship. We saw the good, the bad, and the ugly in each other's lives that year. It was the only 10 months we lived in the same city before we got married!

More on this after I finish my labor story!