That day.

I want to record this now because it's already starting to get a little hazy in my mind, how it all went down. And as awful as it was, it's still a big part of our story.

This pregnancy has been different. Like, a little too good to be true. A little nausea, but not much. I took prenatal and b complex vitamins hoping to subside some of the nausea (I was on zofran with my last pregnancy), and of course just to be wise about things. It's like my Mother's intuition knew to be doing everything possible this time to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

When I scheduled the first ultrasound (my dr likes to do the first one between 8-10 weeks) I was aware that it was directly before Kate's birthday party and had some reservation, but thought, "Nah. God knows all this. He would never allow that (meaning, He wouldn't allow us to see no heartbeat just days before having family come to celebrate Kate's birthday).

It was a Thursday morning and all of the women who work there (it's a women's only group) were friendly as always. We joked about how great this pregnancy has been, and how now I can see how women always say they just love being pregnant. They told me to count it a blessing and enjoy the pregnancy! We were escorted to the ultrasound room and the dr came in.

She got things going with the ultrasound. Jason and I couldn't see the screen (thank the Lord Jason was there), and the more seconds went by the more concerned I was by the look on the doctor's face. She didn't say anything for a long 30 seconds.

"Um. You guys. I'm just...not seeing a heartbeat."

She searched, and looked, and pointed the screen to us so we could see. And at this point I had tears streaming down my face.

I mean I knew this had been a different pregnancy. I knew it. I should have known this would happen! I kind of started beating myself up inside for not preparing better for this moment.

She left the room and I sobbed on Jason's shoulder for a minute- got dressed, she came back in and explained my options- the d&c which she didn't recommend right away ("I'd rather not scrape your uterus unless I have to- especially since you've already had a c-section" she said), motrin for the pain. She said to expect bleeding and cramping. She asked if I wanted to do the blood work, just so I could see the hormone levels going down, and I declined.

We left, the nurse outside the door gave me the blood work papers I needed- and telling her I didn't need them had me back in tears again. Seeing all the pregnant women in the lobby- excitedly awaiting their ultrasounds, also made me sad. It actually made me sad that they had to see me leaving that ultrasound room in tears. Because I know this is every woman's worst fear when they're pregnant.

I had to leave the lobby- Jason scheduled the follow-up appointment, and we headed home. Boy, it was a long day. I cried right when I saw our kids. I called my Mom, Emily, Mom Mills, Mindy, my Dad, Jessi, Barbie....I know there are others I called. It was great being on the phone that afternoon. It got me out of my own head for sure. It was about noon at this point- Jason needed to leave for work, I needed to put the kids down, and I had a good time of crying, napping, praying, and letting it all sink in.

It is then that a friend texted me some of the lyrics to Glory Baby- and I'm so thankful she did, because that song put into words exactly what I was feeling:



Ok, that is all for today. Sorry for the terrible transition. Part 2 to be continued!