And then...

He protected me.

No, this is definitely not going to be a post that wraps things up all pretty, as if this whole thing was just one big positive experience.

But I would like to point out, and never forget, the ways that I literally felt His arms wrap around and protect me the next few weeks.

The day we didn't see a heartbeat, I knew there were friends crying with me. And honestly, that's what I needed. I just needed to know others were upset too.

I came home from the dr- spent the rest of the late morning with the kids- crying. At one point Christian said, "Mommy, you have a little bit of water on your eyes." I was a mess. I spent their nap time realizing what had happened- crying some more, and listening to Glory Baby. It was such a weird place to be. Knowing there was a baby in there, but not a living one. But still my baby. A baby I felt attached to. I wasn't ready for it to not be in there. I mean, just a few hours prior I learned that it wasn't living. Such a strange, strange place to be.

A friend I'd been texting with that day really blessed me with her approach that day- "I need to see you. Even if it's just for a quick hug." I agreed- and we met up at our church's play structure. We both had on our big bug sunglasses (I think she had hers on?)- which was great, because I cried a lot while we watched our kids play that day. I was fine, until I saw her. And I remembered what we'd talked about just the week prior. She encouraged me, "It's not that you're having faith that there will be a heartbeat. It's that you're having faith that He is sovereign." Think God put her in my life during this season for a reason? She'd brought a plethora of little gifts to the park that day, and dinner later on, even though I insisted she not. I look back on that day and wonder why I had a hard time accepting dinner that night. I found out my baby was dead that day, for goodness sakes! Thank you Lord for a friend that will push through that ridiculousness!

My Mom and sister. Oh boy. They were like the hands and feet of Jesus. Cleaning up blood and tissue, they must have been exhausted the next morning but they loved on me and our kids. Their first thought was to order Kate a new "baby" because they knew that was my #1 concern. Because they know me well. There is just nothing like people who know you well. They "got" that I was out of it, in shock, yes- maybe that I was smiling too much and pretending nothing ever happened- they got all that. And they were just with me. My Mom stayed for 3 nights and did countless loads of laundry, loved on our kids- even napped with Kate one day so she'd fall asleep. And was just sensitive to what I needed.

Jason, well- was going through a loss of his own. But he cared for me anyway. I learned later that, as he followed the ambulance he was worried that he was gonna lose me. That those ambulance lights were gonna turn on at any moment and start going faster to the hospital. He kept our family going at a normal pace- took our kids to the snow for the day with friends one of the days right after the surgery. He was the strong one in the hospital. He made several runs out the hallway to get a nurse- he has been a sounding board for me and has taken me seriously in my grief, as he has grief of his own.

We'd just started a life group a few weeks prior, and I was in a place of need right away with this miscarriage happening. People I'd met once or twice gathered around us and brought meals. New friends that didn't know us and went way out of their way anyway.

My Dad. This was so real to him, since he was in the middle of a huge tragedy, losing a Grandson that same week who was born at 24 weeks. Crying with him on the phone.

My in-laws who I know would have jumped in their cars at a moment's notice-and not just any flowers delivered from them, but my favorite flowers.

A friend who's been giving and giving and giving- put together the perfect gift. And went out of her way to deliver it. She's obviously been through this, she knew exactly what would cheer me up.

Brownies from our sweet sweet friends, delivered on our front porch. Brownies with coffee in them!

Friends who said something, even though it was awkward in a crowd at church. Thank you for saying something.

Emails and phone calls from friends who'd been through this before, numerous times.

A gift from the most unexpected of friends. God's grace poured out!

There is more. But this is getting long.