The few weeks after

Yeah, it was hard- mainly the first week after. Hugely because of the insane hormonal roller coaster, but also getting used to the idea that suddenly, I wasn't pregnant.

Two weeks later, I had my follow-up appointment. I didn't really expect this to be a big deal. "Let's just close this chapter," I thought. I went alone, which was fine.

I was surprisingly upbeat about the whole thing, and started to feel a weight I didn't expect when I walked into a room full of pregnant girls. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't jealous of them, just kind of felt different than everyone in the room. I was buried in my phone, waiting for my name to be called.

My name was called and I went back into the exam room, got a gown on and waited in silence for the dr to come in. I didn't have my phone to distract me at this point.

And then it started.

The heartbeat, next door. I could hear it through the wall. I could hear the excitement in the mother's voice, and myself remember that sweet excitement of hearing my baby's heartbeat.

It seemed to go on and on and at one point I snapped inside my head, "ok, you heard it already!"

But I prayed in that moment of vulnerability and again realized my continual need for Him. To hear someone else experience exactly what I'd come into the office just 3 weeks prior to experience, and didn't get to. The moment passed, and I felt ok. Relieved. "Ok (deep breath), that was...hard." But it's over.

The dr came in, did the exam, and went over the results with me. She looked at me as if to say, "what all do you want to know?"

"What all did they remove during the d&c?" I asked, hoping to have an answer on whether or not that's how the baby had to "go."

"The tests are showing that they only removed chorionic villi."

"Which is...?" I asked, totally confused.

"Let's see...how to explain this...you must have passed the baby before the d & c." she said

Now, I had no idea we'd go over these results today. I kind of just thought she'd "check" me and I'd be on my way. I had no idea I'd get to hear this. But I left that place ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

The thought had haunted me quite a bit of the d&c suction- yeah. Can't even think about that.

So to know "that" didn't have to happen- and that God granted me the ability to know that...I just left so, so happy.

I also got to genuinely thank the dr. for how she handled this whole thing. I told her I was very thankful it was her in our path for this whole thing- and was so glad I didn't break down into tears while doing so.

For some reason I'm not able to show the doctor's pictures in here, but if you want to see them, this is the one who first told us there was no heartbeat and is my actual doctor, and this is the nurse practitioner who was also very gracious and did the follow-up ultrasound.