What I did and didn't get

It has been 8 weeks since we lost baby #3, and I feel like I need to apologize for only blogging about this- but in the same breath, it is so healing to write about it.

8 weeks really isn't so long ago, although it feels like it was already months ago that it happened.

It's pretty amazing, how real it is- when you're pregnant. When I see a positive pregnancy test I already picture myself holding a baby in my arms.
And this baby was no different. So although I was only 10 weeks when we lost the baby, I actually lost a baby I'd dreamt about, prayed about (the kids too prayed for the baby on a regular basis), and pictured as a part of our family.

What I didn't get was another one of these



And I post a picture of Christian because we both just knew it was a boy.

And he has a name. Samuel. It's not a name we'd planned on using for baby #3, but a name I'd been thinking of since the miscarriage happened. When I brought it up to Jason, he reminded me of the story of Hannah in the Bible. How God had gifted her a son, and then at a very young age, she gave him right back to the Lord, willingly. I want that. To willingly give our Samuel back to the Lord.

It is painful. It is excruciating actually. But God is sovereign.

What I did get, is peace.

What I didn't get is another biological child to raise.
What I did get is an (renewed) overwhelming desire to foster/adopt a child. A real burden to provide love and a family for a child who otherwise would be lost in the foster system.

What I didn't get is to hold my baby
What I did get, is embraced by the Lord with kindness and compassion

What I didn't get is to smell that baby head, and stare in awe at how tiny those newborn fingernails really are.
What I did get is a renewed passion to pray for my own children, to go in when they're sleeping- stroke their little heads, hear them breathe in and out, and realize each breath truly does come from the Lord.



What I didn't get is to hear those tiny newborn cries- the kind that are so distinctly newborn
What I did get to hear is my kids laughing together, and "I love you Mommy"



What I didn't get to experience is staring at that baby with Jason- just marveling at the fact that that baby is 1/2 he and 1/2 I.
What I did get is a supportive, loving husband and Daddy to grieve right beside me

What our kids didn't get is a little brother. A little baby to ohhh and awe over. Oh how it saddens me to miss out on Kate "mothering" a tiny baby brother.
What I did get is to display for them what Mommy does during tragedy. Cries. Prays with them (I wish you could see Christian during his last prayer when he recently asked again why there was no baby. With his eyes clenched shut he asked for another baby, and that God would make my belly button better). Tells them the truth.

What I didn't get is to have that Mommy pride-to bring that tiny tiny baby to church for the first time- showing him off to everyone, just what a miracle he is.
What I did get is confidence in the Lord and His plan, and peace as I faced those who thought I was still pregnant, and asked how I was feeling.

What I didn't get is- obviously, a baby. Our son.
What I did get is true surrender, awe in the Lord, and complete thankfulness that I could turn my eyes to Him instead of the tragedy of it all.